Poem, Deep pain

A poem that I started to write in the midst of strong emotional pain that lasted for some hours. I haven't felt this for some months and there really isn't anything in my life right now that is causing it;
but I felt it many times in the past (being bullied, conflicts in relationships, etc.), and something triggered some unresolved emotional pain from the past. In this poem I am digging deep to try to find the root cause - the real cause of this deep unresolved pain - which really doesn't have to do with anyone or anything on the outside.:


Welcome doubts

Doubts of where to be

Doubts of if I am safe


Am I at the right place

Am I welcomed

Can I trust.

Can I be


Is there a place for me called Home?

How does it look like?

Are my expectations fooling me

What is this mistrust

Am I mistrusting myself?

Am I mistrusting life?


This searching for love

Searching for life

Searching for Home

Restlessness

Feeling of not belonging.

This feeling felt many times.

At work

Get-togethers

Religious groups.

Family. Friends.



What triggers it?
This insecurity?
This fear and mistrust of others, of life?


Swimming deep in this sea of insecurities, doubts and mistrust.
Events that triggers this.
A deep subconscious feeling.
Feeling of being rejected.
Feeling of not being cared for.
Of being hurt.
A big sea of past hurts and traumas.


Shifting from contentment.
To a black hole.
Hard to know where others are.


Do they care.
Do they love.
Can I trust.
Do they care for me in my sea
Of heaviness and mistrust.


Is there patience to let it be.
Until it disolves.
Until it connects.
Until it flows over.
Into  the ocean of love.


This protection mechanism.
This dam blocking.
Slowly, slowly, it is losings its power.
Slowly the dam is perforated
When I can just be with it.
Be with all feelings without judging them.
Be with all that is within me without any judgment.


When I let the hidden, unwelcomed parts
To connect with the Big, Ever-Welcoming
Ever deeply-accepting Ocean of Love and Acceptance.


A hug.
A warm embrace.
Intimacy. Closeness.
Words, body contact.
Just being.
Just letting the feelings of hurt be without any judgment.
Evening passes. Feelings shift.


Feelings come and go like waves in the deep blue ocean.
The Deep Blue Ocean of Love embraces it All.
And pushes no one away.
It is One with All.
Fully united.
There is No Separation.
Only Love and Acceptance.